PORTAL @ Suricrasia Online

(Pandimensional Object Retrieval Toolkit And Logbook)

Blackle Mori sitting among piles of books, holding a fishing rod whose line is going into an old computer monitor

Welcome to PORTAL

PORTAL is Suricrasia Online's in-house universe-spanning object retrieval framework. PORTAL utilizes inexpensive materials and macro-scale quantum effects to obtain new and interesting content safely and cost effectively. Get certified in PORTAL today!

The required materials

The required materials

The Toolkit

A PORTAL toolkit is complete with no less than the following items:

Fishin' for Knowledge

By organizing these items into the proper configuration one can generate stable wormholes, serving as pathways to adjacent worlds. This configuration is shown in the image above, referred to as "fishin' for knowledge." To enter this configuration one must first don the official Suricrasia Online maid outfit. The entity wearing said outfit will henceforth be referred to as "the wearer."

Next, the CRT computer monitor must be positioned some distance away, facing toward the wearer. The monitor must not be turned on or plugged in. Attempting to use PORTAL with an activated monitor will void the monitor's warranty, the fishing rod's warranty, the maid outfit's warranty, and possibly the wearer's warranty if one exists.

Thirdly, the fishing line, fishing hook, and fishing rod must all be combined. This can be done by selecting each item in your inventory menu, and clicking the "combine" button. If you cannot access your inventory menu, or if yours has no such button, please consult your operation manual.

Finally, the fishing rod must be equipped by the wearer. This is to be done by holding the rod's handle with at least one hand. Holding the rod with zero hands or some fractional number of hands is untested and not recommended.

The result of a successful cast

The result of a successful cast

Castin' a Line

Once the wearer is properly "fishin' for knowledge," one can begin creating pandimensional wormholes. The process to create such wormholes goes by the technical term "castin' a line." To correctly cast a line one must perfect the proper technique. By flicking the fishing rod forward the fishing hook can be made to fling toward the CRT monitor along a parabolic trajectory. Perfection is key here, as the fishing hook must contact the monitor within 15mm of it's center.

If the line has been successfully cast the fishing hook should fall through the screen, causing ripples to propagate across it's surface. If this occurs you are ready to move onto the next step.

Reelin' it in

Once a wormhole has been created, objects from the adjacent world can be coaxed out through a method known as "reelin' it in." This requires an object, henceforth known as "an object," to get snagged on the hook, henceforth known as "the hook." It takes time to master this part. One needs to develop a feel for the tautness of the line, and how it changes under load. Additionally, some objects can get stuck against other objects, so a nuanced wiggle is required to reduce stuckification.

When it is clear that no stuckification is present, the wearer must use the fishing rod's Advanced Pulley Mechanism to completely rewind the line, thus pulling the object out of the wormhole.

Now that you have obtained an object, it is time to log it!

The Logbook

The PORTAL logbook is an HTTP-enabled database system for recording items obtained with the toolkit. Logging an object with this system is so straightfoward that describing how to do it would increase the difficulty to levels that require describing it. Therefore, we shall not describe how to use the PORTAL logbook. Have fun!

A Sample of Suricrasia Online's PORTAL Logbook

Date retrieved: Wednesday 22nd

Item description: "A novel way to control the volume of your computer speakers, without even touching them!" Earplugs labeled from 10% to 50%. Presumably blocks out that amount of volume. Can't check since I don't have ears.

Object status: Returned through PORTAL

Date retrieved: Tuesday 1st

Item description: "Fracture Brain" CD case. Missing CD. Unclear if the artist's name is "Fracture Brain" or if the album name is "Fracture Brain." Possibly both.

Object status: Returned through PORTAL

Date retrieved: Friday 15th

Item description: "Springer" branded DAT72 Tape. Containing roughly 1000 PDFs. Some examples include:

"Leveraging Unbreakable Curses for Long Term Data Storage"
"Introduction to Guided Evolution Herbology"
"Rad-Hard Rituals and Fault-Tolerant Fortunes"

Full list available in library system.

Object status: PDFs entered into library system. Tape in storage.

Date retrieved: Thursday 11th

Item description: "Septagram NetCleaner 2004," consumer anti-memetic software. Still wrapped in box. A handwritten note attached to back read: "Hey Lis, we had an extra one of these at work and I thought you could use it. Should fix your problems with the word Piscine. Piscine. Piscine. Piscine. Piscine. Piscine. Piscine. Piscine. Piscine. [Unintelligible]"

Object status: Opened and in use within Suricrasia Online.