Welcome to Suricrasia Online!
"Connecting your world, whenever!"
Suricrasia Online is a Toronto-based ISP staffed entirely by anthropomorphic sharks in maid outfits. Since our establishment in the mid-90s, we have made a name for ourselves in the internet marketplace by combining the allure of the sea with the flustered awkwardness of a maid cafe. We have done all of this in spite of Lake Ontario's low salinity, and in spite of our body not really having the figure for the whole maid outfit thing.
The History of Suricrasia Online
Suricrasia Online was established in 1995(±5 years) for insurance purposes after a high-energy teleportal accident that left us stranded on this planet you call "Earth." We began as a small, single-woman operation and have since grown to become a much larger single-woman operation thanks to our insatiable taste for burgers and pizza.
After a few false-starts due to incorrect bodily configurations caused by our materialization into this universe, we hit our stride as an internet corporation in the year 2015 with the success of several top-secret initiatives. Some of these successes include the completion of our first demoscene production, and the formation of our online library of rare books.
In the year 2017 we finally got around to this whole HTTP thing and created a website for our business, which you're looking at right now! Hello! We made sure that this site would be a bastion of modern web design techniques regardless of the current year. This is why we are using both "display: flex" and "border-style: ridge." Aesthetic!
What Does "Suricrasia" Mean?
Suricrasia is the name of our home planet, the source of the sharks!
Our planet can be found in the Ylastravenya system as the fourth planet from the star. It has a temperate climate, with rolling, grassy hills, mauve skies, crystal trees, and massive rocky cubes that dominate the landscape. Suricrasia is a sight to behold!
You can visit Suricrasia in the hit freeware DOS game Noctis! Noctis is an exploration simulator of a procedurally generated universe, within which—by some fluke of probability—Suricrasia makes an appearance! You can find a download for Noctis on its official webpage. We recommend running Noctis on a virtual machine with freeDOS, or better yet, an actual era-appropriate computer.
To make your visit to Suricrasia, you must enter the following coordinates into the shipboard computer. Once you reach the Ylastravenya system, use "set local target" and pan around to select Suricrasia. Then, use "start fine approach" and before you know it you'll be face-to-face with Suricrasia's beautiful visage!
YLASTRAVENYA: -56,784 ; +15,693 ; -129,542
River Basin Network Architecture
Following our failure to install metro fibre in the mid 2000s due to the erroneous purchase of 1,000,000 boxes of fibre-rich cereal, Suricrasia Online began to research alternative ways to deliver internet connectivity to our beloved customers. And now, after 10 years of searching, we are proud to introduce River Basin Network Architecture (RBNA) to the masses.
Taking advantage of our prime location on the shores of Lake Ontario, RBNA employs a sophisticated water-based distribution technique that allows us to service anyone in the great lakes river basin at speeds up to 256 bytes per month.
To get access to this exciting new method of internet connectivity, simply setup your router near the closest lake or river and lower our specially designed aquatic antenna into the churning waters. You should soon get full access to the entire information superhighway at speeds that will only increase as we steal more and more megawatts from neighboring buildings to power our network base station.
The Extra Benefits of Suricrasia Online
Our customers range from the totally fabricated hundred thousands to the truthfully objective zeros. We take the utmost care to give our customers the highest quality of service; for users in locations with low bandwidth we split the difference with our comprehensive suite of extra benefits. Our extra benefits include:
- Unlimited checkouts from our online library
- Compulsory maid outfit fittings
- The knowledge that you're funding our shit demos
- 100 nautical miles of dark fibre with which you may do whatever you like
- 100 nautical gigabytes of cloud storage with which you may do whatever you like
- Totally free Suricrasia Online laptop stickers
- Guided tours of our home planet
- Year 2000 compliance
- A mandatory subscription to our mastodon account
- Cat-5 bondage sessions
- Cat-6 bondage sessions (for the VIP customers)